Continued from last week
HE WANTS YOU TO HELP HIM LEARN HOW TO LOVE YOU.
LOVING a woman many times requires training and instruction, which men are afraid to ask for and women assume men should know. “To be frankly honest, men don’t have the tools to love,” July says. “Everyone expects you to flip a switch “, when you enter into a relationship, but it doesn’t work that way.
Men have been trained from the time they were little boys to be tough. “Men have a heart, but many times they simply don’t know how to connect with it,” he says. “The problem comes when men are afraid to ask for help.
HE WANTS YOU TO DROP YOUR “WHITE” SOCIOECO NOMIC STANDARD.
Many Brothers want to move beyond the superficial nature of some relationships, and into more concrete unions, built on realistic expectations and goals. Many men believe, even when he’s doing all that he can, his lady is never satisfied.
While Black women have said Black men have a White standard of beauty some Black men believe Sisters have a White socioeconomic standard when it comes to measuring success.
Some men won’t admit it, but many feel they can’t win. At one end is the “man” trying to keep him down.
At the other end is his woman who can’t understand why he’s down. “A Black man sometimes feels like he’s running as fast as he can, and can’t do any more,” Hare says. “He’s afraid to talk about the things that he’s doing to keep up, and why it seems like he can never get ahead. He needs the support and understanding of his woman.’
HE WANTS’ ASSURANCES THAT HE’S NO. 1.
Many Black men feel that women have trouble saying good things about them, but have no trouble at all communicating the things they feel are wrong. Black men want Sisters to acknowledge how hard they work to keep the family housed and fed and clothed. He wants to hear his woman say she feels safe with him and feels that he is a good provider and protector.
“Ladies need to understand that it’s okay to give compliments,” Dr. Hare Says. “It’s okay to say some thing positive. A Black man feeds on praises from his woman. But many times he feels like all he gets is criticism.”
To Dr. Miller: “Sometimes women do not allow men to be men in the relationship because we are angry and frustrated with the burdens of parent hood and career, so we feel we have to be strong,” she says. Dr. Hare adds, “We have a lot of love to give, but we don’t want to be the man and the woman.”
SHE WANTS YOU TO BE UPFRONT ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER.
Honesty is the best policy when dealing with your Black woman; if you just want to seize the moment and have a few fun dates, tell her. No matter how it may hurt initially, if you don’t fully discuss the boundaries of your relationship and your intentions, it will hurt even more in the long run.
Dr. Hare explains: “She needs to know if the two of you are going to be in a committed, monogamous relationship, or if you are going to unofficially practice polygamy. If you’re not going to be committed, tell her, so that if she decides, she can hold out until she finds her ideal companion.”
SHE DOESN’T WANT TO BE COMPARED TO OTHER WOMEN.
Nothing hurts quite as much as being compared to some other woman that you may have placed on a pedestal. She is not your mother, your Favorite aunt, your model-like co worker, or that artificially enhanced actress on television. Remember that your woman is an individual and should be treated as such. Says Dr. Hare: “It’s horrendous when a man finds it necessary to make unrealistic comparisons to his woman, which more than anything, hurts her ego and her potential to love him like she knows she can.”
SHE CAN’T BE BOUGHT.
Although your woman does love Flowers, candy and gifts, most women do not appreciate men who believe that love, affection or forgiveness can be bought at the nearest boutique. And, according to Dr. Hare, frequent elaborate gifts are a tell-tale sign of
HE WANTS YOU TO BE ROMANTIC.
Some Brothers feel that in a Sister’s push to be a career woman, between her business meetings and late nights at the office, she has forgotten what it takes to make a relationship work. One way to keep pep in a Brother’s step is by continuing to add mystery and romance in a relationship. Brothers want Sisters to wear that perfume that he likes, prepare candlelight dinners, whisper in his ear.
But nowadays, it seems like romance is a lost art among many Sisters.
HE WANTS YOU TO ATTEND TO HIS NEEDS.
When he comes home at the end of the day after fighting lions and tigers, and the “man,” he wants a woman who makes it clear that she is glad he’s home.
He wants to be pampered, caressed, held tight by a something gone awry in the relationship.
HE WANTS YOU TO BE MORE COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR SEXUALITY.
Most Black men realize that the pervasive stereotype that Black women are too hard is just that—a stereo type. That said, men want their women to be more affectionate. Nothing pleases a man more than a woman who knows how to spice up things in the romance department. – More than any thing else, a man wants a woman who knows how to have a good time, a woman who be uninhibited at times, experimental at times, playful times, and carefree at times.
HE WANTS YOU TO BE THE ULTIMATE LADY.
Sure, it’s a tough world out there for Black women, many of whom have to juggle full-time careers and family duties. But is it necessary to bring the dragon-slayer mentality home with you? Black men would like their women to leave their hard edge at the front door, and exhibit their soft, feminine side more at home. The I’ll-whip-anyone who-gets-in-my-way mentality that some women possess 24 hours a day is a big turn-off to some men.
Compliment the meal we’ve prepared for you. If there’s a four-course meal, something has to be tasty.”
SHE WANTS A MAN WHO KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND SEX.
She likes gentle kisses and caresses, and she wants to be hugged and babied all the time in the car and even on the street. Sometimes, she just wants a little romance, and this shouldn’t always lead to the bedroom. “1 had a client who told me that every time she asked her husband for a hug, nine months later she was having a baby. Men need to understand that it’s not always about sex,” Dr. Hare says. “Men tend to think romance is sex, but sometimes your woman just wants to be hugged.”
SHE WANTS YOU TO BLOW HER MIND.
When the two of you are in the bedroom, be creative, attentive and don’t hold back. “We want the ultimate in intimacy. We want to be fondled, kissed; caressed, and we want non-verbal as well as verbal intimacy stimulation,” says Dr. Dorothy Tucker, relationship counselor and president of the California Psychological Association.
Black couples must work especially hard to achieve romantic bliss, and in order for men and women to coexist in a positive, affectionate relationship, both partners must invest in themselves first.
“Black man, if you want to have a peaceful, loving existence with your Black woman, you must first be loving and peaceful with yourself,” says Dr. Hare. “You can’t be good to anybody if you can’t be good to yourself first.”
-Culled From Ebony